Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011, you leave me no choice....

...sure we had some good times... sure you saw me safely to my door with only the one heart wounding moment... sure you brought a large swath of jolly new pals my way... sure... yeah... all this is true... but... it's over, you hear? OVER! I just can't see you in my future anymore... clear your desk... and jog on

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Saturday, December 17, 2011

It was the second of times, it was the first of times

Sir Robble Nobblinkton was and still is a completely forgotten hero of what used to be Great Britain. When the sun never set on the boiled potatoes and over roasted beef Sir Nobblinkton was up a tree in the sahara looking for signs of the lost Invisible Palm tribe... when the Kinks 'Waterloo Sunset' was at number one in the hit parade, Nobblinkton was to be found abandoned by his sherpas behind a bawdy house off Clacton's green line. At the same moment the teabag was invented Sir Robble Nobblinkton was falling from the sky in a burning craft of his own invention. Crash landing in today's Republic of Congo, which was then known simply as 'Derek' Sir Robble Nobblinkton spent twelve heat depraved days fighting his way back to civilisation. An excerpt from his diary reads:
'... 8th day, heat becoming unbearable...  put time aside to seriously consider removal of vest... completely bereft of anything to drink, may have to start on the water... discovered a rare form of 8 legged tree frog that lives on the ground and spins webs.... bitten by irate spider dissatisfied with tree frog comparison...'
    When he was spotted taking in the milk in a small village near the scottish border the world's press tore him to shreds, it turned out he made the whole yarn up inspired by tin tin comic books. Broke and in dire straits he sold all his friends for a tidy sum and looked all set to retreat from the precipice when he was suddenly sued for everything in a divorce by his tricky wife who cited his  'faliure to end sentences' as the cause of their estrangement. Representing himself he countered that 'What may be seen as a failiure to end sentences is in fact a....'. He is scheduled to die next tuesday in an open ceremony at the Hope and Anchor, denver street, liverpool. Ham salad and entertainment provided

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Gibberish made easy

Even at this altitude I am often asked 'why?'. In answer I like to employ Winnie the Pooh's time served method of dealing with scratchy headed moments, the famous 'Cottleston Pie'. When that doesn't work I make a noise like a steam train until I find myself alone (usually this takes around 8 minutes)... today I am using green nails

Monday, December 05, 2011

If ya can't beat em.... whisk em

Call free on 0800 67836728292104677634B4545 (45) 45 45FOURFIVE45


It's the cash that I crave, a fat chequing book
give me tiled courtyards in the azores
not warmth, not dumplings nor loving look
book me in at monticarlo with the other bores

Jesus smelled what you did last supper

Monday, November 28, 2011

How much is that doggy with a window?

The one with the double glazed pane?
How much is that doggy's PVC window
i heard that they repell heavy rain

More rain based nonsense tomorrow....
same rain based nonsense time
same rain based nonsense channel

Bizarre Experiments in Tea

Anyone with ANY clue what type of result I was hoping for here, please contact me to clear things up

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Rain in my shoes

Kentucky rain keeps coming down

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Ovum chips?

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad's tits... no wait... that's not it

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Goat in the machine

New business opportunities available in 'your' area. Not your neighbourhood, oh no, the area that causes catholics to reach for the rosary... YES! THE BARGAIN DEBASEMENT!!!!! den den derrrrrrrr!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

That difficult third album

I know what you're thinking, that's quite the hidden epigram isn't it? Well congratulations on a keen eye you lucky muppets. I wonder if anyone can see the REALLY hidden epigram that isn't even there?

Don't phone in, it's just for fun

Monday, November 14, 2011

Celebrate the middle man


I think the entertainment middle man is receiving faaaaaaaar too much credit these days. Simon Cowell is your archetypal entertainment middle man and unfortunately his parade of fantasist human fodder are all too willing to be the oil on his cogs. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Last train to London



You make me sick

I mean that less than lightly

I prefer winter's coat

to the other type of whitey


just realised that 'whitey' can be used in the context of "Down with whitey"... that isn't what I was etty grat. I was refering to the types of reaction weekend visitors to Amsterdam's famous coffee shops often experience. Disorientation, garbled speech paddles, cold sweating, spinal shivers, dicky tummbly and wild presumptions as to whether or not you may be leaking something important... 'throwing a whitey' is the phrase that places all these interesting symptoms in a neat concise parlock

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Twilight: sprayed sparkles

Sandra 'Flakes' Timpany entered the bar with a coiled whirl of street dust swozzling her fetlocks before skitting upon the floor boards with a camp swoon. 'How's the form?' asked a passing waitress without warmth or humour...or passing... there she stood mouth agape and tip winning ways prominently vying for a tent peg... tension.. ATtention. 'Fine' said Sandra, although she soon wozzle

Is it right that every mum's favourite vampire heart throb has gone and landed his on screen missus in the family way?

Friday, November 04, 2011

The war on telly

You know who was a great actor? The wee girl who played the wee girl in Fatal Attraction. There is a scene in which Michael Douglas and the wee girl are playing a card trick game trick and that girl, in the space of 20 seconds, out acts everyone else in the whole rest of the flick . I wonder what happened to her? She really did play the part brilliantly

Monday, October 31, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A great opportunity...



...to take another peep at them shoes. mmmmm, yes sir, thems are shoes alright

Friday, October 21, 2011

Arbitrary armendments

dashing through the snow with a one armed house ok
over the hill billy shacks booked in next sundaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sunday, October 09, 2011

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Forgotten gangland



'Tits Mandrake' was head of the Falafel Family which spread it's marmalade fingers across the sliced toast world of shop soiled heroin... it didn't last long and the entire operation went straight, switching to the lucrative energy drink craze coupled with the introduction of a string of country and western gyms across Switzerland... high profile criminals at the time breathed a sigh of relief at Tits' relinquishment of his underworld pretentions as he was widely considered a bit of a nob.... and the name alone was quite ridiculous.


Tits Mandrake died alone at an Osmans play the classics gig in 1989. He was 57 and high on carrots

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pink's not red

Go and see the frogman and telling him all your troubles...
take your umbrella cause he keeps on blowing bubbles

It's always time for tea

Monday, September 26, 2011

The feel good christmas hit


Nelson Crane had to attend rehab or face a custodial sentence in the state pen. Giving up his job as party organiser for wayward college girls Nelson heads for the crisp air of some mountains... he's really got to kick the scag.... but before he does....
'Hey now you're an all star get your game on go plaaaaaaaaaaaaay....'Hey now you're a rock star get your game on go plaaaaaaaaaaaaay'

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Friday, September 23, 2011

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sew you on a bee you boxer... wanna be th'champ


ders a crase in my fleece
donald trump need s a thump
wax bee night shade oil spill
jazz poem ........ seven

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

Hit the north


She's am aqua bint baby
float bent feather coral gills
stands a residency dance commitment
through empty bars percussive fills

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Finger popping- 24 hour shopping

You know when you are getting a bit long in the tooth when you look at the wee yins and cannot fathom their antics... I speak specifically of the trend towards photographing yourself, either at arms length or in a mirror. I recall when no one EVER stood there taking photos of themselves... however this isn't the worst of it... there is also that trend towards taking photos of your own arse!!!! Yeah... I know. The irony being that most of the people who manage to get a snap of their bum are often very attractive and would have no trouble convincing someone else to photograph it on their behalf... it's a paradox... 'A person so sexy they have to take photos of themselves... often standing by a toilet' .... You see what I am getting at? A class act it aint

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How do you, doo?




In the course of an average day I am often asked on average... so here's how

fig-1

Using 'Gilbert's Column', the unsurpassed method for creating curved unpopular stature reinterminance, roughly (to within a nano metre) lay down some sort of an idea as to the surrounding land

fig-2

very accurately draw in the tope half of the picture you wish to assemble... REMEMBER: BY THIS POINT THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO GOING BACK AND ANY INJURY AT SUCH ALTITUDE COULD RESULT IN INSTANT DEATH... POSSIBLY EVEN QUICKER THAN THAT.

I often like to use the silouette of a breaching hump back whale to sketch the hair area of a drawing. For best results I use the great beast in it's ascent

fig-2 Reference. There is no shame in whole heartedly mentioning photographic respresentations of something you may later rely on in court

fig-3 Draw in any missing parts of the drawing

fig-5 colour the whole thing blue



NB- a simple pile of blues scrawled next to you finished piece, whilst there ONLY to mislead can be easily added at any time



Well that's how I do it, and now my assistant will pass among you with his collection bucket



'To paint is very nice, but stealing makes you a genius'- Pablo Pancreas

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Reasons to be doubtful


If there is a higher power who loves us, why would he/she allow to exist..
-Mucus
-Tooth ache
-Bud light

Friday, September 09, 2011

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Too mard to imagine


come one, come t'other
come my viewers three
another day spent drawing
yet nothing here to see

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Which type o'graphy are you?


I installed a tap in my pigeon
to relieve that intestinal glue
I left it running all last night
and filled the loft with pigeon poo

Friday, September 02, 2011

This is not a love song

Grown antlers barely covered in skin, the soft velvet moss

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Don't belong


One two, one two... ready steady... CHIPS!!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Viva Scrovovia


Here is my entry for the 'design a flag' contest held over at www.graphicdesignavalanche.org.
People from all over Latuntania have been contacted to find out exactly what they think.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

stressed or depressed?


Is your life without highlights, great friends and a standard of existence that befits your own idea of yourself?
.... if the answer is yes (lots) then please stop calling me as you are quite a drag

Colour N Keep

colour this in and keep it

Sunday, August 21, 2011

New project


Me and my pal Sean are going to make a thing. Rather than post initial scribbles and all that cobblers which serve only to weaken, drain and deflate the gusto necessary to complete ANYTHING with animation, I am treating 'you', the great unwashed to a picture of Michelle Gomez who I happen to think is quite the sauce bottle.... oh yes