Here it is

So I win

Spot the button

where is it?

Helmand mayonaise.

With added hearts and minds

Your call is important to us

The best thing about bankers is that one day they will need someone on minimum wage to wipe their arse having been deserted by their offspring spawned to continue their basic rotness

Pavlov's cat

Hi, my name is Randolph and today we are going to learn to whisper about
the people next door

Before you jump to any concusions

just have a minute... take a look... this one is to be savoured... it requires more than just a glance then disregard.... after you have taken your time, by all means say it is bobbins, unfunny and hackneyed... I don't mind... all I ask is that you take a minute

Waiter, there's a toe in my salad!

Poor cadbury's

sorry everyone... really

This joke is safe from laughter based errosion as no one... and I mean NO ONE gets it

Randolphs all over the boat race

oxycute 'em

empty glasses

Here are some phrases that are shit

*'hit you up' meaning, contact you
*'user interface' meaning .... f*ck knows what??!!
*'Human resources' meaning, you are not a human worthy of consideration, but a resource to be used up. Obviously the word 'personnel' had to be replaced due to it's terrifying over tones.
*'24 / 7' meaning, I am a dullard but i heard this some time back and now I will pepper my conversations with it creating the illusion that I am some kind of yuppie/ high profile football coach who is so busy with one thing or another I must shorten the phrase 'all of the time' or 'constantly' to 24/7 .
*'work station' meaning, desk.
*'to die for' meaning, I'm a pretentious nob squeeze.
*'at the end of the day' meaning, that's the way it is and I resign myself to whatever situation I grimly attach this phrase to, no matter how shit it may be. The beauty of this phrase is that so many people use it it has become short hand for unthinking submission which is fine because, at the end of the day, that's the way it is right?

A phrase that is brilliant

*'Yowzer' which is self explanatory

Gregorian needle wardrobe

Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

...and windows fell away from the paint

I was playing the piano in a brass band until the bottom fell out of the market... now I make rom- coms and do personal appearances at gas fire conventions for 500 quid a pop... no one notices...

Whelks make better lovers

I hope you all get a big kiss for christmas

Ho Ho Hoo?

Who in your house plays the wii? Well now Ant and Dec it just so happens you've caught us all playing all at once and having the time of our 'ethnically diverse, age group encompassing and social persuation representational' lives... get fit this christmas... with the wii... or go for a walk

Monty Christo everyone!!!!!!

Parple

Inevitably there came a day when Mr Gainsborough thought
'What the flack am I doing here anyway???' and it did not go
unnoticed by his pupils

I could dance with the cows until you came home

The trill of it all

It was a special day and a special meal was the best way to express Cyril's feelings

Chiff Monster's celebrity 11

pretentious half baked frame idea

Dog sitting

Two things I have learned this last week
1) I don't get on well with dogs
2) Apperently new bigger pringles tubes contain actual 'fun'