2011, you leave me no choice....

...sure we had some good times... sure you saw me safely to my door with only the one heart wounding moment... sure you brought a large swath of jolly new pals my way... sure... yeah... all this is true... but... it's over, you hear? OVER! I just can't see you in my future anymore... clear your desk... and jog on

Ashlimb offa tha book o'kells boy!

Hello Bernard

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler

ding dong merrily on horrific

That milkshake brings all the yardies to the barge

Travelling without due care and a tendril

G'day cobber

Have a wash

It was the second of times, it was the first of times

Sir Robble Nobblinkton was and still is a completely forgotten hero of what used to be Great Britain. When the sun never set on the boiled potatoes and over roasted beef Sir Nobblinkton was up a tree in the sahara looking for signs of the lost Invisible Palm tribe... when the Kinks 'Waterloo Sunset' was at number one in the hit parade, Nobblinkton was to be found abandoned by his sherpas behind a bawdy house off Clacton's green line. At the same moment the teabag was invented Sir Robble Nobblinkton was falling from the sky in a burning craft of his own invention. Crash landing in today's Republic of Congo, which was then known simply as 'Derek' Sir Robble Nobblinkton spent twelve heat depraved days fighting his way back to civilisation. An excerpt from his diary reads:
'... 8th day, heat becoming unbearable...  put time aside to seriously consider removal of vest... completely bereft of anything to drink, may have to start on the water... discovered a rare form of 8 legged tree frog that lives on the ground and spins webs.... bitten by irate spider dissatisfied with tree frog comparison...'
    When he was spotted taking in the milk in a small village near the scottish border the world's press tore him to shreds, it turned out he made the whole yarn up inspired by tin tin comic books. Broke and in dire straits he sold all his friends for a tidy sum and looked all set to retreat from the precipice when he was suddenly sued for everything in a divorce by his tricky wife who cited his  'faliure to end sentences' as the cause of their estrangement. Representing himself he countered that 'What may be seen as a failiure to end sentences is in fact a....'. He is scheduled to die next tuesday in an open ceremony at the Hope and Anchor, denver street, liverpool. Ham salad and entertainment provided

Crimes against emotion

All aboard the Beige train!

Gibberish made easy

Even at this altitude I am often asked 'why?'. In answer I like to employ Winnie the Pooh's time served method of dealing with scratchy headed moments, the famous 'Cottleston Pie'. When that doesn't work I make a noise like a steam train until I find myself alone (usually this takes around 8 minutes)... today I am using green nails

If ya can't beat em.... whisk em

Call free on 0800 67836728292104677634B4545 (45) 45 45FOURFIVE45


It's the cash that I crave, a fat chequing book
give me tiled courtyards in the azores
not warmth, not dumplings nor loving look
book me in at monticarlo with the other bores

Jesus smelled what you did last supper

Killer civil servant

great glangling gizzards!

How much is that doggy with a window?

The one with the double glazed pane?
How much is that doggy's PVC window
i heard that they repell heavy rain

More rain based nonsense tomorrow....
same rain based nonsense time
same rain based nonsense channel

Bizarre Experiments in Tea

Anyone with ANY clue what type of result I was hoping for here, please contact me to clear things up

Rain in my shoes

Kentucky rain keeps coming down

Ovum chips?

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad's tits... no wait... that's not it

Goat in the machine

New business opportunities available in 'your' area. Not your neighbourhood, oh no, the area that causes catholics to reach for the rosary... YES! THE BARGAIN DEBASEMENT!!!!! den den derrrrrrrr!

That difficult third album

I know what you're thinking, that's quite the hidden epigram isn't it? Well congratulations on a keen eye you lucky muppets. I wonder if anyone can see the REALLY hidden epigram that isn't even there?

Don't phone in, it's just for fun

Celebrate the middle man

I think the entertainment middle man is receiving faaaaaaaar too much credit these days. Simon Cowell is your archetypal entertainment middle man and unfortunately his parade of fantasist human fodder are all too willing to be the oil on his cogs. 

Last train to London

You make me sick

I mean that less than lightly

I prefer winter's coat

to the other type of whitey

just realised that 'whitey' can be used in the context of "Down with whitey"... that isn't what I was etty grat. I was refering to the types of reaction weekend visitors to Amsterdam's famous coffee shops often experience. Disorientation, garbled speech paddles, cold sweating, spinal shivers, dicky tummbly and wild presumptions as to whether or not you may be leaking something important... 'throwing a whitey' is the phrase that places all these interesting symptoms in a neat concise parlock

Twilight: sprayed sparkles

Sandra 'Flakes' Timpany entered the bar with a coiled whirl of street dust swozzling her fetlocks before skitting upon the floor boards with a camp swoon. 'How's the form?' asked a passing waitress without warmth or humour...or passing... there she stood mouth agape and tip winning ways prominently vying for a tent peg... tension.. ATtention. 'Fine' said Sandra, although she soon wozzle

Is it right that every mum's favourite vampire heart throb has gone and landed his on screen missus in the family way?