Coming soon, to a tiny screen near you

v

Paternity crish bombardier speckled hen

roger dodger over and trout... seabass.... whelks.....

glinesykimpossiblycheapsmut

Maw-mo

This is becoming popular....

It would appear that some folks I admire from a distance are making these 'influence' charts.
Obviously I thought that it was another attempt by the internet to promote narcissism in a
new and creative way... then I thought ahh bollocks to it....

Can you guess the arters? Do you care? One lump or two?

Corn Ice cream

karambolage

Precious little sense

what the hell is going on with those arms?
answers on a Tuesday

My mermaid meets machine mended moon maple

Send 5 dollars for a free haircut

The Sulphide ranger

Blisters!!!!

Pretty obvious back slap

Pretty Olive backwards
On her cheek I laid a peck
Cuddle cripple slap dash
She wrote me out a cheque
Normal fiddle fling floo
I felt I really should
Nibble shippy clasp rasp
Give her some old wood

Cheese and onion

set fire to everyone other than David Attenborough

When did it become de rigueur for folks running shops/ businesses to look moody? Is it just a sack of marketing shit? I wonder... here is a formula you may have noticed....

A) an introduction

{head shot ...to camera)

"we make cakes/ tattoos/ repossess cars/ run some type of business"

B) footage of people doing what they said they did in the intro

{wobbly camera round kitchen/ shop/ some type of business practice intersperced with 'personal' interviews of people explaining the rudimentary footage you just saw}

"we really need to make this/ do this/ collect this/ catch this"

C) some type of sucky epilogue

{head shot dialogue interspersed with previous footage of people doing jobs}

"We did it/ made it/ paid for it/ chewed it/ argued about it/ made moody faces over it

The end...

Meanwhile at the Copa

They have half price pitchers and spicey wing night

Tattah

This is an old gag I saw in an underground comic about 400 years ago. Since I have a habit of giving all my possessions away I no longer have it... just so you know, it is someone elses idea, I just redrew it

CKC

It begins!!!

Albino wino kelvin kleino

new and old

Ginger ale and coffin discos

zombie walks and bachus........
i think things will be fine

making a book

I'm making a sketch book filled with this type of rubbish (above). Anyone give a fig??

Here is how this doesn't work

Best laid plans right?
Laugh and the world laughs with you
Cry, and you get a soggy face.

God is in the details

I looked through the window
and painted on the glass
was a new and mysterious island
fired from a pigeon's ass

Sharing, caring Eddie Wearing

She stood on the bridge at midnight

her lips were all a quiver

she gave a cough

her leg fell off

and floated down the river

super secret

She lived alone in a shot gun shack
with her fourteen kids and a flasher's mac

Brown paper ignorance

Here is my old pitch idea....................

Mallory Lumbago (concept)

Mallory Lumbago is an ordinary teenage girl with a haircut
and a desire to go to the prom. Only trouble is her cell phone
contains the spirit of long dead queen of the equestriad 'Ms Splint'.
High jinx and moralistic tales ensue as Ms Splint unleashes
back shattering orgasms through Mallory and her chums at precisely
the wrong moment (on a driving test, at the breakfast table, during unprotected
teen age sex). Her friends respond with their catch phrase 'OH MY GOD!'
which is either speeded up and repeated or slowed down to a painful level.
The friends are Rita Marley-A black activist. Clamidia-A chinese cripple
and Petra-a quirky robot with street smarts.

The stories take place in either the mall, the school gym or somewhere else.

Story outline- everyone needs a date for the prom even Tommo the light relief
(a jug eared nazi war criminal)... family values are reinforced like dull nails hammered

home without humour or imagination. Ms Splint administers her tuppence pleasures

and the girls say 'OH MY GOD!' in response to everything and anything.

Crispy midgets...

served on a sizzling bed of chopped onion with a side order of bees

Here it is

So I win

Spot the button

where is it?

Helmand mayonaise.

With added hearts and minds

Your call is important to us

The best thing about bankers is that one day they will need someone on minimum wage to wipe their arse having been deserted by their offspring spawned to continue their basic rotness

Pavlov's cat

Hi, my name is Randolph and today we are going to learn to whisper about
the people next door

Before you jump to any concusions

just have a minute... take a look... this one is to be savoured... it requires more than just a glance then disregard.... after you have taken your time, by all means say it is bobbins, unfunny and hackneyed... I don't mind... all I ask is that you take a minute

Waiter, there's a toe in my salad!

Poor cadbury's

sorry everyone... really

This joke is safe from laughter based errosion as no one... and I mean NO ONE gets it

Randolphs all over the boat race

oxycute 'em

empty glasses

Here are some phrases that are shit

*'hit you up' meaning, contact you
*'user interface' meaning .... f*ck knows what??!!
*'Human resources' meaning, you are not a human worthy of consideration, but a resource to be used up. Obviously the word 'personnel' had to be replaced due to it's terrifying over tones.
*'24 / 7' meaning, I am a dullard but i heard this some time back and now I will pepper my conversations with it creating the illusion that I am some kind of yuppie/ high profile football coach who is so busy with one thing or another I must shorten the phrase 'all of the time' or 'constantly' to 24/7 .
*'work station' meaning, desk.
*'to die for' meaning, I'm a pretentious nob squeeze.
*'at the end of the day' meaning, that's the way it is and I resign myself to whatever situation I grimly attach this phrase to, no matter how shit it may be. The beauty of this phrase is that so many people use it it has become short hand for unthinking submission which is fine because, at the end of the day, that's the way it is right?

A phrase that is brilliant

*'Yowzer' which is self explanatory

Gregorian needle wardrobe

Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

...and windows fell away from the paint

I was playing the piano in a brass band until the bottom fell out of the market... now I make rom- coms and do personal appearances at gas fire conventions for 500 quid a pop... no one notices...

Whelks make better lovers

I hope you all get a big kiss for christmas

Ho Ho Hoo?

Who in your house plays the wii? Well now Ant and Dec it just so happens you've caught us all playing all at once and having the time of our 'ethnically diverse, age group encompassing and social persuation representational' lives... get fit this christmas... with the wii... or go for a walk

Monty Christo everyone!!!!!!

Parple

Inevitably there came a day when Mr Gainsborough thought
'What the flack am I doing here anyway???' and it did not go
unnoticed by his pupils