Vincent the shoe clerk

It's like a record sleeve...geddit? ah suit yer self then.......

The bottomless cake

Sure it had no bottom, some days people would gather to jeer. other days (coincidently when it was over cast with the prospect of drizzle) they sent jeer smeared post cards and fancy goods which could be interpreted as jeers made tangible.... Here! My rice puddin's on the fritz again pass me that angle wrench would yer Billy. Ey Billy, what's with them hand singnals them lads in gangs do? All that three fingers over there, two over here. then a drive way shoot shoot over some hoes and a bit of 'bidniz'.



You know those doodles people do in meetings?? yeah, well not me my friend, oh no. No meetings for this guy. No, certainly no indeed. here are some doodles i did while not having a meeting the other day. I mentioned to the young secretary not taking notes that she had beautiful skin. She said i had a big nose. he laughed carelessly like children in spring... I fell quickly in love... we laughed some more... I noticed she had lots of fillings... she noticed i kept using the three '...' system to insinuate an active mind and had no time for grammatical correctness. She was gone the next day. i was posted overseas... ahh the fickle fingers of fate poking us in the eye every chance they get.

You can't chew 'THAT' !

nope, it just isn't cricket

Reclining nude. A bronze study in F sharp

'Beatrice, i say, Beatrice' I said looking upon the languid soft topped Brazilian smut inducer. 'Beatrice' i said again for good luck. 'What?' said Beatrice in response to my earlier prodding. 'I am off to tattivate my reclining bronze study in nude sharp repose' I elaborated. 'I'll have 'alf a guiness' exclaimed Beatrice through a bubble at the corner of her lips.

ballooning over the seychelles.. cash back guarantee

yeah new boat for captain beard there... and a sketch that i done did at Mr Christian 'shandyland, female bothering' Garland's sketch affair every thursday, bring some beers club here at the jolly old Cartoon Saloon.
For the most part i prefer proping myself up on one elbow (no not that one the other) while watching seagulls dabble in black mumbo laaaaate into the night... until....

Both kids are good to mom, blood's thicker than mud...it's a family affairrrrrr

This is Alpert felons and some girls i drew after reading that very excellent nazi smasher comic by the fella... You should have a look, i bet you' like it.. no really 4 quid. Shake on it. them girls all had to be sorted in case the vicar came round and waved his wooden leg at it. the names in all these drawings have been changed to partially protect those black legs in City hall.
That's right, Tattoos. Once the badge of honour for murderers, house breakers or run away circus delinquents. now a fashionable accessory to show everyone you were raised in polynesia. those ones that point at girls bums are the best. 'Does my bum look big in this?' Yeah and there's a feckin big floral swirling tribal tattoo pointing it out. It's getting so that the criminal element and bar brawling sailors are having their long standing and rightfully deserved good name besmirched by the likes of David beckham and that scouse one out of the spice girls and Angelina jolie... did anyone stop to ask why??? Big feckin crucifixes and gothic gibberish weaving in and out of chinese symbols for 'carp'. What happened along the way? Where did the skulls playing cards with dice and a knife in the eye socket go??
that's right asking the difficult questions and getting a busted nose... that's me, on the front line for you, the tethered idiot.
Drawing in flash is extremely pleasant and the best thing is when you have filled loads of space over about a half hour and you become lost in the moment it is perfectly within your capabilities to delete everything with a badly timed button.

You think you're big time?? well you gonna die, big time

You know when blondie does that rap in Rapture about the 'man from mars eating cars and now he only eats guitars...' yeah?? well i never know wether to cringe or not. Sometimes i do cringe sometimes i direct movies from the inside which I project onto the side of buildings in poor neighbourhoods as part of my guilt over being born in the north.
this picture is for Captain beard and his merry adventures being rejected by woman and society in general but women in particular... and society in general.

see that wee tacker in nepal? He's only little you know

This is it kids... the big one... the marathon.... not yer average 50 yard dash of happy... this is the olympics, cross country style. Oh yeah, bet yer boots it is. Captain Beard!!!
he sails the several seas,
with a beard down past his knees.
he sails the oceans blue,
with a beard like that it is simple to do.
he is entirely made of hair,
baldies claim it isn't fair.
his mother sold him to barnum
under the proviso they wouldn't harm him (yeah i know)
he escaped in the dead of night
under a tent flap painted black to stop any light
just like velvet curtains
or was it heavy blinds? ..I can't be certain
Ahhh i give up
three cheers fer captain beard... hip hip.... ahhhh phooey

You think you got problems???

After the resurgence of white rappers in the form of erm... Eminem and er, MC Tunes and Arrested development i have decided to dust off my EP i recorded in 1954 and realease it to major fanfare and bellly buttons... lil hips you know what i mean? Slinky wee things, oh yes.... but that is by the by. That's me Dad in the back warning you all to 'back the feck off!' yep... that's why I drive a Lexus.

When people were shorter and lived by the water.

yeah well it's the Armenian dream right? Tea and toast in bed all day every day pipe smoking happy wife cosy rhubarb man. It's all relative.

A blind butcher is doomed to eternal itchy bum

Further Blue Sash things stuff. here we see Steinholdt enter stage middle and capture the nations hearts with one flick of his delicate stupor.

doodle that i did in a train accident

I put down some aniseed to throw off the blood hounds whilst escaping from that island where they keep you all fresh and not so much salt then harvest yer organs for professional footballers who is the guy from the shawshank mile with Toms hank... you know it isn't a real island that they win in a lottery but then they go away and are not allowed to have sex with Renton or Scarlet Yohighfive....just as the jar of aniseed was running low I happened to notice my error. it wasn't aniseed at all it was pedigree chum special blood hound menu for blood hounds.... needless to say i was captured within three yards of my bedroom and cupboards where product placement abounds...silly really. Always read the label if not before escape then certain after.

A whistle stop tour of the worlds worst ideas...10% on

I drew this knight the other night...I don't know what it was about them dopey hats on the knights like in dragon slayer video game where you put in the money and a lot of nothing happened. then a cartoon said 'you died trying to negotiate the gap' or something unexpected like that. you had to admire their taking such a courageous leap in video games development.. if it wasn't for that game there would never have been...erm, actually it was rubbish wasn't it? Long may it stay buried... gawd struth...

yeah it might be little but you wouldn't want it on yer eye as a wart

Here is a picture i set about whilst consumed by an irresistable urge to stay up late into the night time with nibblers and a mad dog that wouldn't sit still. there are few and many here and down there a touch and all rubbish in that they were not the results i was seeking. Still, i had to laugh.... I was being tickled.
this one here at the bottom here at the bottom there at the end of it is a fellow playing the bongos... 'If in doubt, bongo' that is the busker credo as far as I have noticed on the mean streets of Durham. Where is Durham anyway?

so far........

so far..... i am losing it eh? i will go and watch the hurling on the telly and see if i can grow a neck leg for leaning over at a frightening angle.

the quest continues......

No doubt anyone reading this knows Lambey, the wonderfilled fella with all the excellent drawings and fun happy happy textured good. For some time i have been trying to 'lift' 'snatch' 'usurp' 'grasp with dirty dirty mittens' the stylings of the man. here is my latest rush over the top into no mans land blowing a whistle and firing wildly into the darkness. One day i will get close.... oh yes, one day. {exits with heavy heart and heavier boots, sighs, coughs, the ping of a button... the falump of ill fitting courdroy troozers as they hit the deck...a beat long enough to realise yesterday was laundry day and today is the time of the commando... the rising dirisive laughter....the cruel cruel breeze}

the picture there above there is for the use in a 'make yer own cereal packet whacky caper' caper. I saw all the top lads doing it so I am joining in on my own, all with myself. Apparently it has a long history this spoofing products and what not... look if you don't believe me (insert link that i couldn't find for you)

This fella rides in a car. remember when Big daddy roth fell off his perch? yeah well if it wasn't for him california would have never seen the light of day, never mind catch on as it has. yep, Big daddys Roth made it all happle.

here is a picture that i did that no one liked. i thought it was great but recieved no reassurance to this end. like i thought i was a good dancer but no one ever said i was, that went on for ages then my dad said i was rubbish at dancing and the dream ended.



















.....and here is a hand dryer that i always reckon looks like a one eyed koala bear with a metal head. i am using it for reference in a wonderfilled project of a on the side nature.

Unty

You know when sometimes yer pals fall out the end of your pencil. Mr Hunt a fine figure of a fellow (if there are few others about)... only kidding...liddle kids... kidney beans... mersey dotes and ferrys across it for cows...?? Mr Hunt

The blue sash

I made this based on a fella from Australia who is very funny and also a bit touched in the head. We came up with the character while stacking fruit and veg on an all night market in geelong, Melbourne. there are these apples called 'Blue Sash' and another brand called 'Steinholdt'. i will make the picture of Steinholdt soon and then the dynamic duo can go balistic... or something... see how i was trying to spice it up there at the last part... and see how i failed... and see how I keep putting these... dots in as if it is stream on conciousness writting which gets on peoples nerves because it is like doing the two little rabbits when making a 'point'... who am i even talking to?