Old crap for Christmas

some old fellows from the olden days... clicky click click... aaalright. The trumbonet player animates if you clicky click him

At last! A good campaign that we can all be proud of about good yes

Look now. D'ya see? yes indeed yer peepers do not deceive me. using an ordinary pair of scissors and some paper with pictures I have created this wonderfully horrible lady. I propose that you do the same instead of sitting there complaining about the price of butter and picking gnats off your gibbon, missis! From the start of 2007 and running up until it peters out quickly around January the 6th try to make things that you wouldn't ordinarily make. It's good for your spirits and chicks dig it too. It's not photoshop either, you have to do it with scissors and real danger.

symbols of cymbals

yep. cardboard back scratchers

people i didn't see while not out sketching them

I spent some time not drawing people I didn't see and these two where probably the most prominent out of the whole none of them. There wasn't quite an unbunch to look through i can tell you. After i finished not doing it I had a good stand up and no cup of tea.
I learnt a valuable lesson though... and if we can all do that every day then by the end of a month we'll have learnt 30 lessons (unless it's february)

less4on four four

click on image to gain an insight into how exactly the big wigs animate jelly headed bowls of spuds traversing a beauty spot on a neato summers morning day day when they have left their arms at home or in the shop, that's a 'store' to any readers from New bangers or Montreally good. Oh thanks

Lesson 12. the theory of 'Dog'

One of the common causes of dog animation in cartoons is a story (or 'plot line' as we call it in hollywood) about some sort of canine. If you refer to lesson 'zark' I am sure you will guess my next point.... yeah that's correct. Dogs have four legs... which is triple + one hard to animate. For this reason Montgomery Clift sat down with boffins in 1867 (the golden age of radio) and invented the 'sat dog' approach to the problem of the four legs. This method demands that if a dog or dogs are to be depicted in a cartoon film they should be sat down. Pretty much anything dog shaped can and will look fine sat in the direction of down. This weeks assignment will be go out and buy some dogs and observe them like Teste Zoom Bang does in Spain. If you cannot afford a several dog then go to a neighbours house and peer through the windows at anything sat down on the chairs. Do not forget your patented leather 'animators balaclava' though. With all the weirdos about these days you can't be too careful.

animation lesson number five

Lesson seven is about the creation of interest in your film or movie or film. in the above example you can see clearly that there is a tension in the air and the young revolutionary fellow is all too aware of his own mortality. Obviously you will be unable to summise your own story in so few lines. I am however, a proffessional of many years standing and so can instantly capture the imagination and attention of the viewer, drawing them into the story itself. Such lofty accomplishments will come in time but firstly i suggest you make a simple scene wherein a man who has recently lost his umberella on a bus (very common, making it more easy to animate). he of course purchases another, well you never know do you? On returning home he finds that his original umberella is by the door where he left it and not as he thought 'lost'. As you can see this is a straight forward, up and down premise. for added simplicity use stop motion animation and nothing but eggs. good luck

animation lesson number zark

Lesson number one is simple. When making a walk cycle first thing to do is design a character with no legs. Obviously one leg is easier to animate than two. this logic naturely concludes that animating 0 legs is easiest of all. On you go then kiddies, give it a red hot go

yeah yeah yeah....no

Did yer notice how coronation street is filling up wi' cockle knees and all that pavlova? yeah, well i did and let me tell you kind faced idiot that you are... I plan on doing something about it!

they're selling dreams in creams

they're selling dreams in creams
Hot love swinging from beams
laughter 'til you bust yer seams
bus journey ball room in your jeans
All day sunshine parks with themes
No matter the direction that a fellow leans
old cripples or cheeky teens
no one will question what it means
to have your dreams realised by marketing teams.

killing in the name of........

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .....fun funzie fun fun. 'trouble is as trouble does' our angry school llama used to say... before the 'unpleasantness'. i knew a fella at school who for no reason other than his own amusement let loose all the locusts out of a tank in science class. He was called Darren Walsh then and probably still is now... what a guy. In a similar vein but entirely different I let loose a hamster in a shared house I shared with some muppets whilst working in Liverpool. The hamster used this free time to go into secret places and meet with shadowy hairy wee beasts. After the fifth time I let the guy stretch his legs he had it away across the border to Mexico or Honduras or Bootle... it's hard to tell when all that he left was a note pinned to a cactus. It read simply 'Aza outta h'ey an' I don' be comey bag' ...his english was appauling and upon reading the scrawl i vowed never to speak of him again ....doh!

Miscreants of the world unite and ... oh it seems they already did.

I dreamt of a girl waving her arms about, at least i think they were hers.. didn't really see any proof of purchase but i was prepared to give her the benefit of the trout.. which was also waving it's arms about. yeah i know, all three ding dong ding dong, givin' it some rice an nay 'alf measures bless yer crikey knees up Ian Brown. You ever try that mango? That's some good stuff, a bit messy but ultimately very satisfying in the belly department and apparently as it is now in the EU it can enjoy all the status of other 'fruit'. Like the noble Orange, that old stalwart of survey avoidance. the British apple, the unlikely recursor of punk rock revolution and mucky shinanegins in the graveyard. The mighty lap wing with it's filthy beak and unrepentant stockings and of course 'nettles' the spicey mate of the dopey dock leaf both of which i am certain have been rubbed on a pig down at River cottage after Hugely Fearned Whittingstump moved in and started with the blather.
The above are girls and the ben Gunns were rejected sketches from a pitch i made for some extra happy. they were rejected on the grounds that the brief stipulated 'gerbers' the tragically named pretty flower. If only i read these things before constantly trying to pass off Ben Guns for every job i chase... I could probably save a lot of time. Up to 14 hours a week, which is no small potatoes... still you can't take it with you can you? Well 'appen you could cram a few spuds in the muddy box with you.. In the event you left strict instructions for that type of carry on.. is that carry on? Did you pack it yerself? Did anyone ask you to take something on the plane for them? have you any lighters, liquids, guns, bullets, curry powder, harpoons, exotic thoughts, unpublished manuscripts in yer bag there? Ok you are free to get on a plane... but don't let us catch you doing it again! D'yer 'ere me!?! Stop smirking and on yer go.. bloody hooligans.

rainboy

Yeah you know, rainboy aka 'Ocean' aka funny talking sort. here is the picture that I couldn't send as you gave me no address ya saucey mare. Anyway.............

Shovey

A rejected fellow that i had lined up for a top secret project that I cannot tell the likes of you about. He sells peppermint to people with none.

Vincent the shoe clerk

It's like a record sleeve...geddit? ah suit yer self then.......

The bottomless cake

Sure it had no bottom, some days people would gather to jeer. other days (coincidently when it was over cast with the prospect of drizzle) they sent jeer smeared post cards and fancy goods which could be interpreted as jeers made tangible.... Here! My rice puddin's on the fritz again pass me that angle wrench would yer Billy. Ey Billy, what's with them hand singnals them lads in gangs do? All that three fingers over there, two over here. then a drive way shoot shoot over some hoes and a bit of 'bidniz'.



You know those doodles people do in meetings?? yeah, well not me my friend, oh no. No meetings for this guy. No, certainly no indeed. here are some doodles i did while not having a meeting the other day. I mentioned to the young secretary not taking notes that she had beautiful skin. She said i had a big nose. he laughed carelessly like children in spring... I fell quickly in love... we laughed some more... I noticed she had lots of fillings... she noticed i kept using the three '...' system to insinuate an active mind and had no time for grammatical correctness. She was gone the next day. i was posted overseas... ahh the fickle fingers of fate poking us in the eye every chance they get.

You can't chew 'THAT' !

nope, it just isn't cricket

Reclining nude. A bronze study in F sharp

'Beatrice, i say, Beatrice' I said looking upon the languid soft topped Brazilian smut inducer. 'Beatrice' i said again for good luck. 'What?' said Beatrice in response to my earlier prodding. 'I am off to tattivate my reclining bronze study in nude sharp repose' I elaborated. 'I'll have 'alf a guiness' exclaimed Beatrice through a bubble at the corner of her lips.

ballooning over the seychelles.. cash back guarantee

yeah new boat for captain beard there... and a sketch that i done did at Mr Christian 'shandyland, female bothering' Garland's sketch affair every thursday, bring some beers club here at the jolly old Cartoon Saloon.
For the most part i prefer proping myself up on one elbow (no not that one the other) while watching seagulls dabble in black mumbo laaaaate into the night... until....

Both kids are good to mom, blood's thicker than mud...it's a family affairrrrrr

This is Alpert felons and some girls i drew after reading that very excellent nazi smasher comic by the fella... You should have a look, i bet you' like it.. no really 4 quid. Shake on it. them girls all had to be sorted in case the vicar came round and waved his wooden leg at it. the names in all these drawings have been changed to partially protect those black legs in City hall.
That's right, Tattoos. Once the badge of honour for murderers, house breakers or run away circus delinquents. now a fashionable accessory to show everyone you were raised in polynesia. those ones that point at girls bums are the best. 'Does my bum look big in this?' Yeah and there's a feckin big floral swirling tribal tattoo pointing it out. It's getting so that the criminal element and bar brawling sailors are having their long standing and rightfully deserved good name besmirched by the likes of David beckham and that scouse one out of the spice girls and Angelina jolie... did anyone stop to ask why??? Big feckin crucifixes and gothic gibberish weaving in and out of chinese symbols for 'carp'. What happened along the way? Where did the skulls playing cards with dice and a knife in the eye socket go??
that's right asking the difficult questions and getting a busted nose... that's me, on the front line for you, the tethered idiot.
Drawing in flash is extremely pleasant and the best thing is when you have filled loads of space over about a half hour and you become lost in the moment it is perfectly within your capabilities to delete everything with a badly timed button.

You think you're big time?? well you gonna die, big time

You know when blondie does that rap in Rapture about the 'man from mars eating cars and now he only eats guitars...' yeah?? well i never know wether to cringe or not. Sometimes i do cringe sometimes i direct movies from the inside which I project onto the side of buildings in poor neighbourhoods as part of my guilt over being born in the north.
this picture is for Captain beard and his merry adventures being rejected by woman and society in general but women in particular... and society in general.

see that wee tacker in nepal? He's only little you know

This is it kids... the big one... the marathon.... not yer average 50 yard dash of happy... this is the olympics, cross country style. Oh yeah, bet yer boots it is. Captain Beard!!!
he sails the several seas,
with a beard down past his knees.
he sails the oceans blue,
with a beard like that it is simple to do.
he is entirely made of hair,
baldies claim it isn't fair.
his mother sold him to barnum
under the proviso they wouldn't harm him (yeah i know)
he escaped in the dead of night
under a tent flap painted black to stop any light
just like velvet curtains
or was it heavy blinds? ..I can't be certain
Ahhh i give up
three cheers fer captain beard... hip hip.... ahhhh phooey

You think you got problems???

After the resurgence of white rappers in the form of erm... Eminem and er, MC Tunes and Arrested development i have decided to dust off my EP i recorded in 1954 and realease it to major fanfare and bellly buttons... lil hips you know what i mean? Slinky wee things, oh yes.... but that is by the by. That's me Dad in the back warning you all to 'back the feck off!' yep... that's why I drive a Lexus.

When people were shorter and lived by the water.

yeah well it's the Armenian dream right? Tea and toast in bed all day every day pipe smoking happy wife cosy rhubarb man. It's all relative.

A blind butcher is doomed to eternal itchy bum

Further Blue Sash things stuff. here we see Steinholdt enter stage middle and capture the nations hearts with one flick of his delicate stupor.

doodle that i did in a train accident

I put down some aniseed to throw off the blood hounds whilst escaping from that island where they keep you all fresh and not so much salt then harvest yer organs for professional footballers who is the guy from the shawshank mile with Toms hank... you know it isn't a real island that they win in a lottery but then they go away and are not allowed to have sex with Renton or Scarlet Yohighfive....just as the jar of aniseed was running low I happened to notice my error. it wasn't aniseed at all it was pedigree chum special blood hound menu for blood hounds.... needless to say i was captured within three yards of my bedroom and cupboards where product placement abounds...silly really. Always read the label if not before escape then certain after.

A whistle stop tour of the worlds worst ideas...10% on

I drew this knight the other night...I don't know what it was about them dopey hats on the knights like in dragon slayer video game where you put in the money and a lot of nothing happened. then a cartoon said 'you died trying to negotiate the gap' or something unexpected like that. you had to admire their taking such a courageous leap in video games development.. if it wasn't for that game there would never have been...erm, actually it was rubbish wasn't it? Long may it stay buried... gawd struth...

yeah it might be little but you wouldn't want it on yer eye as a wart

Here is a picture i set about whilst consumed by an irresistable urge to stay up late into the night time with nibblers and a mad dog that wouldn't sit still. there are few and many here and down there a touch and all rubbish in that they were not the results i was seeking. Still, i had to laugh.... I was being tickled.
this one here at the bottom here at the bottom there at the end of it is a fellow playing the bongos... 'If in doubt, bongo' that is the busker credo as far as I have noticed on the mean streets of Durham. Where is Durham anyway?

so far........

so far..... i am losing it eh? i will go and watch the hurling on the telly and see if i can grow a neck leg for leaning over at a frightening angle.

the quest continues......

No doubt anyone reading this knows Lambey, the wonderfilled fella with all the excellent drawings and fun happy happy textured good. For some time i have been trying to 'lift' 'snatch' 'usurp' 'grasp with dirty dirty mittens' the stylings of the man. here is my latest rush over the top into no mans land blowing a whistle and firing wildly into the darkness. One day i will get close.... oh yes, one day. {exits with heavy heart and heavier boots, sighs, coughs, the ping of a button... the falump of ill fitting courdroy troozers as they hit the deck...a beat long enough to realise yesterday was laundry day and today is the time of the commando... the rising dirisive laughter....the cruel cruel breeze}

the picture there above there is for the use in a 'make yer own cereal packet whacky caper' caper. I saw all the top lads doing it so I am joining in on my own, all with myself. Apparently it has a long history this spoofing products and what not... look if you don't believe me (insert link that i couldn't find for you)

This fella rides in a car. remember when Big daddy roth fell off his perch? yeah well if it wasn't for him california would have never seen the light of day, never mind catch on as it has. yep, Big daddys Roth made it all happle.